Chapter 29 – I Felt Sorry

TL: Kay (kkrivulet)

“Nevertheless, to draw a picture would mean that you were quite desperate.”

“…….”

“May I ask what happened?”

“I just didn’t want to forget my mother’s face. It’s easy to remember a person’s face when you draw a picture as you keep thinking about them. It also leaves a record.”

Alicia wiggled her fingers.

She did not know she would talk about this, but now she had nothing to hide from Cabellenus.

“After my mother died, everyone was eager to erase the traces of my mother. It wasn’t enough to burn all of her objects as if they never exist from the beginning. The mere mention of my mother was like a bloodbath.”

[T/N: Alicia likens to any mention of her mother being “like a bloodbath” to emphasise how negatively and violently the people in Neinstein Castle reacted whenever she brought up the topic of her mother.]

“Then, why do these pictures remain?”

“To be precise, it’s not that it remained. It’s just something that wasn’t processed yet.”

Alicia weakly shook her head.

“It wasn’t processed?”

Cabellenus raised one eyebrow.

“It was Queen Neinstein’s hobby.”

“Her hobby?”

“The queen used to relieve her mood by playing with my mother’s portrait in front of me. She said she felt better when she saw my distorted face since I resemble my mother.”

Alicia spoke calmly, but her body was trembling slightly.

The memory of having to helplessly watch the hand-drawn portraits of her late mother being toyed with was truthfully terrible.

“She couldn’t beat the king, so instead, she found someone to vent her feelings on.”

Alicia let out a weak smile.

The reason that the queen was angry was not because of her husband’s affair.

It was because she was deprived of the power she had held in her hands.

“It wasn’t just the queen. Everyone did. My mother never loved the king, and it wasn’t her will to enter the castle, but everyone was busy blaming her.”

She did not even say a word about King Neinstein.

Alicia’s face was crumpled.

It was already the past.

She knew that telling this to Cabellenus would not make any difference. But at least once, she wanted to tell someone.

“My mother wasn’t a bad person. She was just a victim.”

Alicia’s teary gaze touched the portrait.

In the old and blurred portrait, her mother was smiling happily.

It was the way Alicia wanted it to be.

“……Yes. I suppose so.”

Seeing Alicia standing firm on a subject with an expression that seemed as if she would collapse at any moment, Cabellenus carefully embraced her.

He had never felt sorry for someone in his life, but he felt sorry when he saw the poor woman’s face.

The woman’s trembling round shoulders, her skinny body that did not fully fit in his arms, and her voice that swallowed her tears like a habit were pitiful, and he felt like it was driving him crazy.

* * *

“Are you all right, my lady?”

“Yes, I’m fine.”

Alicia nodded with a faint smile.

It was unfamiliar because it was her first time riding a carriage, but it was not unbearable.

“If you have any inconveniences, please let me know right away. Schwarhan’s carriages are heavier, so it’s less shaky, but for those who are unaccustomed to long-distance travel, it can be difficult.”

“It’s tolerable.”

As soon as Alicia finished answering, Gazeff pulled out a small bottle of medicine from his chest.

“You should take it.”

“What is this?”

Alicia looked alternatively at Gazeff and the medicine bottle with slightly enlarged eyes.

“It’s a sleeping pill.”

“A sleeping pill?”

“If you don’t feel well, it’s okay to have the medicine and take a nap.”

“You’re so sweet.”

Alicia grinned.

“I prepared the sleeping pills, but it was His Grace who ordered it. His Grace said that if the lady said she felt unwell, it would be bad if I was unprepared, so he advised me to take action.”

“His Grace?”

“Yes, His Grace cared a lot.”

“I see.”

Alicia unconsciously touched the smooth surface of the glass bottle with her fingertips.

Just holding the glass bottle made her somehow feel relieved.

“It’ll take a while before His Grace joins us. Don’t mind me, and do whatever you like. While you’re sleeping, I can just do my work.”

Gazeff gave a smile and showed her the stack of papers.

“Are you very busy?”

“No. I personally prefer to do things in advance.”

“…….”

“You don’t have to read the room. If you have something you want to say, feel free to say it. You have no reason to be wary of me.”

[T/N: “To read the room” means to be or become aware of the opinions and attitudes of a group of people that you are talking to. So in this case, Gazeff is telling Alicia to just freely say and ask whatever’s on her mind.]

“You say the same thing as Your Grace.”

She felt like he discovered her intentions. Alicia stammered with a slightly heated face.

“It is an honour, then.”

A deep smile spread around Gazeff’s mouth.

Alicia fiddled with the glass bottle and carefully parted her lips.

“In fact, I’ve wanted to ask you something.”

“What is it?”

“Is this how people normally treat slaves in Schwarhan?”

Everything Cabellenus did to Alicia was not worthy actions towards slaves.

Even though she did not have much knowledge about slaves, she knew that much.

However, if she admitted that fact, she would not be able to understand Cabellenus’s actions.

“What does it mean to be treated like this?”

How could she clearly express her intentions?

Alicia chose her words, then slowly moved her mouth.

[T/N: To “choose your words (carefully) means to think carefully about what you want to say before saying it.]

“Like the treatment, I’m receiving.”

“To be honest, it’s not normal.”

“As expected, it is.”

“Because Schwarhan has no slaves in the first place.”

“There are no slaves in Schwarhan?”

“Slavery still exists in the Empire, and even in the capital, slave trade is quite common, but not in Schwarhan.”

Gazeff put the documents he was holding down next to him and calmly said the next words.

“Slavery is a luxury in a poor land like Schwarhan. There’s nothing more inefficient than bringing in slaves to a land where you have to save food by reducing one bite.”

“But, His Grace must have…….”

Cabellenus was a particularly extravagant spender, and it came from Schwarhan’s wealth. It did not make sense that Schwarhan was a poor land.

“Oh, of course, it’s a story of the past.”

“The past?”

“A lot has changed since His Grace became the Lord of Schwarhan. The land of cold weather, where one seed could not sprout, has now become a land of glory where all the lords bow their heads to.”

Gazeff’s eyes were full of respect for Cabellenus. He was sincerely following his superior with all his heart.

“Sir Gazeff seems to like His Grace a lot.”

“Not only me, but most people in Schwarhan would. If it weren’t for His Grace, our lives wouldn’t have changed.”

“I see.”

“That’s why I’m fond of my lady.”

Gazeff gazed at Alicia with affectionate eyes.

“……Pardon?”

“Because you will be by His Grace’s side in the future.”

Objectively speaking, Alicia was not a very good woman.

Instead, her secret had the possibility of being a threat to Cabellenus.

But Gazeff believed in Cabellenus’s choice.

No matter what Alicia was, as long as Cabellenus decided to take her as the Grand Duchess, he would only respect that decision.

He did not doubt that she, who now appeared to be a timid lady, would one day stand tall beside Cabellenus as the Grand Duchess.

“You can be more confident.”

“But my status is…….”

“There are no slaves in Schwarhan, and, even if there were, no one would consider my lady a slave.”

“That’s strange.”

“It’s not strange. I’m just sorry for the delay.”

Gazeff said firmly.

Alicia would soon become the only wife of Cabellenus and the sole Duchess of Schwarhan.

From Gazeff’s point of view, it was only a pity that she could not be treated appropriately.

“……Is it okay? Wouldn’t my presence be a nuisance to His Grace?”

“The order that His Grace originally received from His Majesty was to destroy all the Neinstein royalty. However, he didn’t kill you, and instead, let you live as a slave.”

“It seems that I’ve been a nuisance to His Grace since the beginning.”

The emperor’s orders were absolute.

Even if Cabellenus was the emperor’s half-brother, if he went against the emperor’s will, he would still be punished.

In particular, the rumours about the emperor, who kept his brother in check and forced Cabellenus to the outskirts of Schwarhan, were enough to make Alicia uneasy.

“If you don’t think it’s a nuisance, it’s not a nuisance.”

“…….”

“Instead, it would trouble His Grace for you to say such a thing.”

“I’m just nervous…….”

Gazeff narrowed his eyes at Alicia, who seemed hesitant.

Although it was better than before, it was certainly difficult for people to change in a short time.

Alicia needed something to boost her confidence.

“Your Grace does not keep his eyes on things that are of no value.”

“No value?”

“You can say that it’s the same as the veins that keep you alive. You are worthy enough, and Your Grace has seen it. You are never a nuisance to His Grace. Rather, you’re actually helpful.”

“Value…….”

Alicia’s expression became a little darker.

But Gazeff did not know what Alicia, who bowed her head, was thinking.

“Don’t think too deeply. Just accept it. Even if you don’t care about it, everything will naturally return to order.”

“Yes, I understand.”

Alicia raised her head and smiled.

Gazeff had no doubts and smiled along with Alicia.

“Thank you for understanding. Then, do you have any more questions? Other topics are good too.”

“A different topic?”

Alicia tilted her head.

“If you’re not going to sleep, it’s good to spend some time talking. Feel free to ask me any questions that you may have.”

“……then, may I ask what kind of place Schwarhan is like?”

“Well, that question is pretty comprehensive, so it’s hard to say much. But when you talk about Schwarhan, I often use the phrase: a place where God’s blessings do not reach.”

Gazeff gave a slight nod.

“A place where God’s blessings do not reach. That’s a pretty abstract expression.”

“There’s no better way to describe Schwarhan.”

“How come?”

“Because of the winter that lasts all four seasons, the frozen land is not suitable for farming, wild animals have become stronger and fiercer in line with the extreme conditions, and even monsters appear. It is not for nothing that God’s blessing does not reach it.”

It must have been terrible to recall the past as Gazeff’s smooth forehead subconsciously creased with deep wrinkles.

“However, now it’s one of the best lands in the Empire.”

“It’s all thanks to His Grace. The Schwarhan’s people don’t just follow the Grand Duke more than the Plaim God for no reason.”

“If it’s a Plaim God, it must be…”

Alicia grimaced as she recalled the beautiful priest, Natalie.

She had introduced herself as a priest of the Plaim Temple.

“It’s the state religion of the Blanche Empire. It’s a very old religion as it was founded with the Empire. Personally, I don’t think it’s doing anything great compared to its history.”

“Can you talk about state religion like that?”

“If you talk to the people of the capital, who are faithful believers, you will hear the word heresy, but now, we are the only ones.”

“You don’t seem to like Plaim Temple very much.”

“Their doctrine is just for them.”

“The priest I saw before didn’t look that way.”

Natalie, who said that everyone was equal before God, was a noble priest.

She could not imagine her discriminating against people.

“Natalie is a special person.”

“…….”

“How about my lady?”

“Me?”

“Do you believe in God?”

Gazeff’s curved eyes glistened for a moment.

Although it did not matter what kind of person Alicia was, it was true that the secrets of her power stimulated curiosity.

“No.”

Alicia replied right away without taking a breath.

“You answered quickly.”

“If believing in God alone could make everything okay, I’d believe as much as I could. But God only listens.”

“Listens?”

“That’s what my late mother said. God sees us everywhere, and he listens to our stories.”

 

“That’s a strange story.”

Gazeff quickly fixed his glasses that had slid down.

The eyes that looked through the glass showed deeper curiosity than before.

“Not really. It’s just a superstition. Additionally, even if God existed, if he does not do anything for me and only listens, what does that mean? You will only have hope for nothing and feel despair.”

“You resent God.”

“There’s no need to resent it. It’s enough if you think that no such thing exists in the first place.”

Alicia laughed bitterly.

Her mother believed in God until the moment of her death, but God did not respond to her belief.

There was no reason to believe in God.

“…… Am I being too pessimistic?”

“No, my lady. I don’t believe in God either.”

Gazeff lightly shrugged and touched the papers beside him.

It was true that he was curious about Alicia’s secret, but he could not ask anymore.

The topic came about due to light curiosity, but the woman’s face seemed like it would burst into tears at any moment, and she was already carrying enough emotions.